It’s at this point I’ll begin to peel back the layers of why this transformation took place, why it was necessary, and why each layer is vastly important.
If you’ll notice, the picture above shows a partially naked woman. You are probably wondering why I would choose this photo and why. I’d like to start off this blog by saying that if you identify with my struggle(or know someone who does), I’d encourage you to share this blog so someone else can get free like I did.
So many things are wrapped up in this word. So many nights sneaking around at 3am looking up dirty videos on my computer.
I was 9 years old when I was introduced to pornography. I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon it, all I knew was that I liked what I saw. I liked the feeling of thrill I’d get anytime I’d sneak downstairs and look it up on my parents computer. This was back when we had dial up internet and if you know anything about dial up…that struggle was real. As the little Aol man ran to the internet wizard (or as I saw it in my head), I found myself daydreaming about what I might look up that night. Looking back, I never really understood the magnitude of what I was looking at; the exploitation of sex in its rawest form. As I got older, my desire for porn slowly but surely increased and I began noticing changes in my behavior and disposition. My aggression increased, I rebelled more often and almost felt a sense of entitlement with my classmates because I knew something they didn’t.
Fast forward several years; now I’m a full blown pornography addict. By the time I went to college, I was viewing porn every single day. My daily routine was go to class…daydream about porn…go home…look up porn sites for up to 12-14 hours until around 7 or 8 am when I needed to go to class again the next day. By this point, my addiction was so strong, I literally did not have any boundaries or concerns about my life or what I was doing. I was doing things that I never would have done had I not had the addiction. At the end of that school year, I was on academic probation, I had little emotional connection to my family and I was (unbeknownst to me due to the desensitization of the addiction) suffering from a severe case of depression that nearly killed me.
Looking back, I realize that this time in my life was a necessary part of my journey. Without this pivotal realization of the damage pornography had done to me, I would not have encountered the Father like I did. The Father specializes in redeeming our brokenness. His great pleasure is to give us the Kingdom. His greatest accomplishment was creating us; we are the literal personification of His creative essence. It’s my understanding that the Father sometimes will allow us to get to the deepest pit we can dig ourselves into, so that we have no choice but stop and look up; not to gage our progress but because we can’t go down any further.
Its in this place, where the Father does His most amazing and transformative work. And, it was in this place, where my journey began.
TO BE CONTINUED…