Beautiful Delight


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I’m going to divert a bit from my regular posts to bring closure to a chapter of my life that I finally have the courage to close.

This is a letter to #him.

I loved you. I loved you from sun up to sun down. From the blood moon to the white stars above in the sky. I gave everything to you. My peace. My joy. My happiness. My all. You were my god and I worshipped you.

I sacrificed everything for you. Gave you my time. My attention. My sanity. You were my all in all. My entire existence.

I changed for you.

I completely realigned my character and my perception of the world for you. I discovered who I was not with you. The deepest, most inner perception of myself was not



With you, everything was hard. Everything hurt. Everything was broken. Every tear I cried in our bathroom was a reminder of how much I was broken loving you.

But I was in love with you. I thought love was supposed to be hard. I thought it was supposed to hurt. I thought that the best love conquered through every painful circumstance we foolishly created together. A blinding bliss of emotions and heartache. I thought every kind word, note, message or email would remind you that I was your healer. I was supposed to be the one who saved you. I was supposed to be the one who knew you from the beginning. I was going to mold you into who I thought you should be.

But then, you broke me.

You broke me into a million pieces of shattered stained glass wishes, hopes and dreams. You said that I wasn’t the one you wanted anymore. You said you were done with me. You said you wanted out.

And then I fought.

I fought tooth and nail to try and convince you that I was worthy of your tainted love. I couldn’t see that your broken heart never truly had the capacity to really love me. I spent night after night on my knees begging God to save what He never wanted from the beginning. I was too stubborn to let die the sins of your mistakes. Your heart was never designed to love my existence.

But, I tried

And tried

And tried to get you to choose me again.

Then one day, I looked at my life and realized that I was existing. Working up to 80 hours a week trying to make ends meet. Being miserable but putting on the mask of a painted smile when I walked out the door. Then I opened my eyes and saw the writing on the wall. I saw what I had become. I saw the web of lies I had created trying to protect you. I saw you and for the first time I realized that…

You had easily freed yourself of me.

I cried a river of tears that day.

Then, I decided it was time to do the same.

I brought myself so much pain holding onto you.

I’ve chosen to love myself more than the image of you I created. I choose to be free of the pain loving you caused my heart. I’ve released you. I’ve forgiven you. I no longer identify myself as yours. I no longer carry the burden of a failed marriage. I’m grateful for the chance to love you because I discovered a new part of myself being without you. A part of myself that no longer needs to hide. Being with you helped me find strength I never knew existed. Loving you destroyed me and through that destruction, I blossomed into the woman I was designed to be. You helped me see that self acceptance is the only way any of us can truly be


Goodbye, love. I hope you find the freedom that you gave me one day.

Love, Cari.

Hey ya’ll!

Didn’t I tell you I’d be back with another post with my daily declarations?

3. I prioritize positive self talk. The Bible says “For as a he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7) The first time I read this scripture, I took it literally. My first perception was that Solomon understood the importance of self talk and how important it is to be watchful and mindful of how you perceive yourself and your life. It’s vital to guard yourself with positivity. Filling your mind with negative thoughts (whether the words come from you or someone else) is exactly what the enemy does to shift your focus off of your greatness and your identity. If he can convince you that you’re worthless; that you are stupid or lazy or dumb or a screw up or a nobody, he can take control of your entire life and begin to alter the path you’re currently on. He’ll place you into situations that will reinforce your negative mindset. He’ll put you in situations where you constantly question yourself. He’ll alter the neutrality of your subconscious and have you thinking you have no peace and no purpose in life. He’ll completely ruin your life with one seed of negativity; and you’ll be the one who watered the it. Satan can only plant seeds of negativity into your mind. He can only whisper negative thoughts into your ear but it’s up to you to accept it as truth. Philippians 4:8 talks about how your focus should be on things that are positive: purity, things that are lovely and commendable, any moral excellence and anything that is praiseworthy. Paul is highlighting the thoughts that Christ thinks towards you in this scripture. Don’t you think you should have those same thoughts towards yourself?

4. My self image and self worth is fiercely biased. 1 Corinthians 12:12 says “For as the body is one and has many parts, and all the parts of that body, though many, are one body-so as is Christ.” This scripture alone completely redefined my self image and worth. Growing up, I was not very proud of my body because it did not look like other girls my age. They had voluptuous bodies and long curly hair and I was rail thin with bad skin. Over the next 12 years after I graduated high school, I struggled with self acceptance and feeling beautiful. I would spend hours in the gym and hours on the internet reading about how to be sexy, how to grow a booty and how to be confident. One day, I finally came to the realization that I had it all wrong; that in all my trying, I was focused on the wrong thing the entire time. Self worth doesn’t come through how big your butt is or how chiseled your abs are. You don’t find it in trying to learn how to be sexy or by taking self help classes. Now don’t get me wrong, the aforementioned things are not bad things to focus on. Self improvement in and of itself is not negative and does not reinforce negative self image or worth. But, self improvement without self realization is deadly. I had to come to a point in my life where I had to choose to let go of who I thought I was and get to know the woman God purposed for me to be. I had to allow God to teach me that it was in the multifaceted parts of myself where my self worth and image was found. I’m now at a place where I am completely and unapologetically proud of who I am and the sheer amount of growth I’ve experienced. I’m sexy. I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I’m funny. I’m skilled. I’m loved. And that’s all that matters.

It’s at this point where you are probably wondering what happened after the “Vicodin encounter”.

There are so many things that I could say, like I never was tempted to watch porn again. Or, I never felt like I didn’t want to live again after that.

But, that would be false and I don’t thrive in falsehood.

To be completely honest, I struggled with the temptation to watch porn constantly and I still do to this day. That’s the thing about addiction; Even if you’re free from it, the temptation never really goes away. What keeps me away from actually viewing pornography are the looming thoughts of who I was while I was addicted to it.

Ain’t nobody got time for that person. Bye Felicia.

And, to be clear, just because I’m free from a pornography addiction, doesn’t mean I’m free from lust. That is something I’m not sure I’ll ever be free from.

You see, molestation completely and totally skews your perception of sex, purity, the world at large and your concept of family. Like I stated before, I was molested by two very close family member multiple times. To this day, I’m still uncomfortable around one of the two, which tells me that they aren’t free from the trauma that caused them to be sexually attracted to me and my sister. The other one is free from the trauma but as I found out not too long ago, is not willing to confess.

Anyone who is molested wants answers. Why would you think this is ok? Why did you choose me? Why a child and not another grown adult? These questions are in a sense rhetorical and don’t get answered the way we would like them to, if at all. But, for me, once I knew it had happened, somehow, God lifted the confusion off of me and gave me peace. Peace that I’ve carried into adulthood and that has sustained me through the darkest of times. But, even with that peace, I’ve still struggled and I’ve still grappled with the reality that I will never know what true purity feels like.

It’s mind-numblingly humbling.

As a result, my journey towards discovering the true nature of Christ has been filled with bumps, trips and falls. Deliberate and willing acts of sinfulness that surprised me after the fact. Hope-filled connections with God that left me in awe and wonderment.

God and I have been through it all. We’ve trudged through the pain. We’ve skipped through the joy. We’ve fallen together and He has picked me right back up where I was and dusted me off. He’s protected me from my own self more times than I can count. He’s let me skin my knee and come running back to him, snotty nose and all, so He can bandage my wounds.

One thing He hasn’t done, is let me give up. Oh, there have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up. Just yesterday, I wanted to give up. To be honest, 5 minutes ago, I wanted to give up. My sins should have me completely stained by now. Completely rejected by Him and His Father. Completely abandoned to fend for myself for the disrespect I’ve shown Him and God. What I’m going through, what I’ve been through, makes me feel like I’m damaged goods.




Never to be used by Him again. 

But, I’ve learned that God specializes in using damaged goods. He takes the people that others would throw away as ash and makes them beautiful. He loves my disobedient self. All of it. He doesn’t judge me for my sin, He just wants me to do better and so He loves me through my sin. When He looks at me, He doesn’t see sin, he sees beauty.

It’s amazing. 

A man I’ve never seen before is choosing to love me even when it’s my 903,207,098,123,980,237,879,890,977,890,087.08 time doing that thing I know I’m not supposed to do…AGAIN.

It’s strange and liberating and terrifying.


I’m sure you all have noticed but I’ll state the obvious: Ive been on a long hiatus from posting on my blog.

Sorry, not sorry.

I’d like to shift gears a bit on this post and talk about some things that the Father and I do on a daily basis that keep me uplifted, encouraged and at peace. In this post, I’ll only discuss 2 things and each week, in addition to my “discovery” posts about my journey to the Father, I’ll post 2-3 more and go into detail, like I will below, about them and why they help me draw closer to Christ.

  1. I talk to Him. While this seems like a very simple concept, I’m baffled by the amount of believers who I see complaining about their day to day, their kids, their marriage, their house, their job and their overall morale on Facebook with their friends seemingly every hour but when you ask them if they have talked to God about anything all of those things, they are left with what I like to call, the um’s, uh’s and well’s. “Um, well, I mean God knows my heart.” “Uh, Kinda?” “Well, not exactly, but, to be honest, I just…” Talking to Him daily about your problems, concerns, heartaches, fears and struggles is the only clear way you actually come to know the Father’s true nature and character. And, I’m not talking about “God, I need this money to come through” prayers or the “God, if you would just do this for me this one time” prayers (though, there is nothing wrong with those prayers if you pray this way). I mean talking to Him…alone…you and Him. I’m talking about the airing all the dirty laundry (that He already knows about but you pretend like He doesn’t), all the junk, all of the questions, all of the frustrations, all of the discovery and curiosity of being with Him kind of prayers. I am so real with God that sometimes, I don’t even realize that I’m talking to someone who isn’t even there. I will, literally, carry on a 20-30 minute conversation with the Father and not even think about the fact that I’m using non-verbal gestures, laughing, smiling, crying with Him like He’s sitting right next to me. I fear the Lord but I’m not afraid of Him during these conversations. He’s my best friend and I treat Him as such.
  2. I “Be with” Him. Ok, let me say this before I get in too deep: Dear grammar/MUGS police, be at peace with how I phrased the first sentence of point number 2. Ok? Ok. When I say that I “Be with” Him, I’m not talking about physically. What I mean is that I am as present with Him as He is with me. The Father is omnipresent, meaning that He is always around, no matter where, what time, what place, what season or what mood you’re in. He wants to be with you and He proves it through simple things like giving you breath in your body and protecting you from things only He knows is coming against you. Because I am made in His image, I was designed to be like Him and how present I am with Him is vital to my growth in Him. If I’m too distracted by the cares of the day or what frustrated me an hour ago to be present with Him at all times, I’m not truly giving Him my all, and that’s a commandment from Jesus that we’re to follow as believers. “Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37 NKJV.  Do I struggle with this 99% of the time during my “Be with” Him times? Absolutely. But, do I strive to overcome my flesh and cast my cares on Him because He cares for me enough to want to have them? Absolutely. The more time I spend pushing my flesh aside and have my “Be with” Him times, being open and completely present, the more peace I receive, joy I have and wisdom I gain from the Father. The Father wants so badly to pour into us but we block ourselves by not being present during our time with Him. I’m still mastering this and won’t arrive at “fully mastered” while I’m here on earth and I’m ok with that. The true believer never arrives at a particular destination in their walk towards Christ, they continue to journey on, learning new things along the way, until their time here is finished and the Father calls them into a new place where they begin a new journey, in closer proximity to Him.

You are probably wondering where this heightened sexual awareness came from at such a young age, so, I’d like to take you back to the very beginning.


Yes, my innocence was taken from me while I was very young by two different members of my family. The only way that I knew was from a dream that God gave me as a pre-teen. I don’t know how many different times the abuse happened, but I do know that it did occur. Growing up, I was always an extremely isolated and shy child. Most of my friends and teachers thought it was due to my personality, but when I was in elementary school, something happened that changed their minds.

A boy, with light eyes and light brown hair,

began talking to me about how he looked different than me. I, being naive, told him that it was because I was a girl. He asked me about what made girls different from boys and I, already knowing way too much too soon, told him that my “privates” made me different than him. He dared me to show him what they looked like. Witty old me, asked him to reveal himself first. He asked me to meet him under the slide to fulfill the dare. Another classmate of mine went with me. When we got to the “dare location”, he began undoing his pants. At this point, i remember feeling a tingle (that I later learned was arousal) in my private area and a rush of intrigue came over me.

“What does he look like down there?”

“Why does it look different than mine?”

Before he could even get his button undone, one of the teachers caught wind of our “secret gathering place” and called out to us. She asked us what we were doing. Thinking quickly, I said we were playing a game, hoping this would ease her curiosity. Instead, I was brought inside and received a “talking to” by not only the teacher, but my father when he picked me up from school that day. From that point on, I could no longer hide my inquisitiveness. A fire was ignited inside of me that could not be contained. Each day after school, I would run home to demonstrate sex acts on my barbie dolls, hoping that would stave the flames.

But, it didn’t.

And somewhere down the line, I discovered pornography.

For the longest time, I longed to be that innocent child again. To have the experience a “normal” child had, free from porn and free from sexual sin committed against me. I longed for it for so long, my heart would literally ache. I wanted more than anything to be whole again.


Before I discovered this freedom, I suffered (yes, suffered) through a long 9 month battle with severe depression. My joy was non existent. My days consisted of waking up disappointed that I even had breath in my body still (because I prayed the night before that god would just take me in my sleep), eating sugary poison and gluttonous snacks all day and barely having the energy the leave my room, let alone my house. I cried so much  that i honestly thought I would run out of tears. I felt numb; terrifyingly numb to the point where my Mom started to wonder what was wrong with me. Each time I got in my car, I dreamed of ways i could end my life. I figured that if I swerved and ran off into an embankment, that the news anchor’s could say that I lost control. That way, my family would know that my death was not “on purpose” even though it would have been. I convinced myself once that if I took a bottle full of Vicodin after my parents went to sleep, that they could be comforted by the fact that there was nothing they could have done to prevent my death, when they awoke to my lifeless body on the floor in front of my bed.

It was insensible. It was shameful. It was … my reality.

My breaking point was after the Vicodin incident. I remember sitting on the floor of my room, in front of my bed, tears streaming down my face, contemplating suicide. I begged the Lord to help me, to save me, by any means necessary. I was expecting a bolt of lightning or rumbling thunder to strike at that moment, but nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

This moment, in my room, was by far the most terrifying part of my journey. Our terror doesn’t terrify the Father, though. He brought me out of that night with a strange sense of calm surrounding my body. I recall walking down the stairs to get water for the pills and then, all of a sudden, grabbing a sharpie marker and drawing “X’s” on every single one. He saved me that night.

But i didn’t feel saved. At all.

I felt alone, confused and bewildered. That next morning, I woke up with the slightest bit of relief. Though I was sad I was still alive, I knew that there was some reason I still needed to be here. That day (unbeknownst to me) was the first day of my new life. I truly believe that without that “Vicodin encounter”, I wouldn’t be here writing these words.

From that day on, my life drastically changed. I found out things about myself and the Father that I never dreamed of. I can honestly say that I am an overcomer.

By His grace…

By His Mercy…

I survived.

NOTE: If you are reading this blog and are feeling similar or worse that I did, please know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. There is help and there is nothing you can’t do, even in the place you are in right now. Please trust the Father and go get help. Click on the link below and begin again. He is with you. He is for you. 

National Suicide Hotline


It’s at this point I’ll begin to peel back the layers of why this transformation took place, why it was necessary, and why each layer is vastly important.

If you’ll notice, the picture above shows a partially naked woman. You are probably wondering why I would choose this photo and why. I’d like to start off this blog by saying that if you identify with my struggle(or know someone who does), I’d encourage you to share this blog so someone else can get free like I did.


So many things are wrapped up in this word. So many nights sneaking around at 3am looking up dirty videos on my computer.

I was 9 years old when I was introduced to pornography. I don’t remember exactly how I stumbled upon it, all I knew was that I liked what I saw. I liked the feeling of thrill I’d get anytime I’d sneak downstairs and look it up on my parents computer. This was back when we had dial up internet and if you know anything about dial up…that struggle was real. As the little Aol man ran to the internet wizard (or as I saw it in my head), I found myself daydreaming about what I might look up that night. Looking back, I never really understood the magnitude of what I was looking at; the exploitation of sex in its rawest form. As I got older, my desire for porn slowly but surely increased and I began noticing changes in my behavior and disposition. My aggression increased, I rebelled more often and almost felt a sense of entitlement with my classmates because I knew something they didn’t.

Fast forward several years; now I’m a full blown pornography addict. By the time I went to college, I was viewing porn every single day. My daily routine was go to class…daydream about porn…go home…look up porn sites for up to 12-14 hours until around 7 or 8 am when I needed to go to class again the next day. By this point, my addiction was so strong, I literally did not have any boundaries or concerns about my life or what I was doing. I was doing things that I never would have done had I not had the addiction. At the end of that school year, I was on academic probation, I had little emotional connection to my family and I was (unbeknownst to me due to the desensitization of the addiction) suffering from a severe case of depression that nearly killed me.

Looking back, I realize that this time in my life was a necessary part of my journey. Without this pivotal realization of the damage pornography had done to me, I would not have encountered the Father like I did. The Father specializes in redeeming our brokenness. His great pleasure is to give us the Kingdom. His greatest accomplishment was creating us; we are the literal personification of His creative essence. It’s my understanding that the Father sometimes will allow us to get to the deepest pit we can dig ourselves into, so that we have no choice but stop and look up; not to gage our progress but because we can’t go down any further.

Its in this place, where the Father does His most amazing and transformative work. And, it was in this place, where my journey began.