Image is from Facebook.com
I’m going to divert a bit from my regular posts to bring closure to a chapter of my life that I finally have the courage to close.
This is a letter to #him.
I loved you. I loved you from sun up to sun down. From the blood moon to the white stars above in the sky. I gave everything to you. My peace. My joy. My happiness. My all. You were my god and I worshipped you.
I sacrificed everything for you. Gave you my time. My attention. My sanity. You were my all in all. My entire existence.
I changed for you.
I completely realigned my character and my perception of the world for you. I discovered who I was not with you. The deepest, most inner perception of myself was not
With you, everything was hard. Everything hurt. Everything was broken. Every tear I cried in our bathroom was a reminder of how much I was broken loving you.
But I was in love with you. I thought love was supposed to be hard. I thought it was supposed to hurt. I thought that the best love conquered through every painful circumstance we foolishly created together. A blinding bliss of emotions and heartache. I thought every kind word, note, message or email would remind you that I was your healer. I was supposed to be the one who saved you. I was supposed to be the one who knew you from the beginning. I was going to mold you into who I thought you should be.
But then, you broke me.
You broke me into a million pieces of shattered stained glass wishes, hopes and dreams. You said that I wasn’t the one you wanted anymore. You said you were done with me. You said you wanted out.
And then I fought.
I fought tooth and nail to try and convince you that I was worthy of your tainted love. I couldn’t see that your broken heart never truly had the capacity to really love me. I spent night after night on my knees begging God to save what He never wanted from the beginning. I was too stubborn to let die the sins of your mistakes. Your heart was never designed to love my existence.
But, I tried
And tried to get you to choose me again.
Then one day, I looked at my life and realized that I was existing. Working up to 80 hours a week trying to make ends meet. Being miserable but putting on the mask of a painted smile when I walked out the door. Then I opened my eyes and saw the writing on the wall. I saw what I had become. I saw the web of lies I had created trying to protect you. I saw you and for the first time I realized that…
You had easily freed yourself of me.
I cried a river of tears that day.
Then, I decided it was time to do the same.
I brought myself so much pain holding onto you.
I’ve chosen to love myself more than the image of you I created. I choose to be free of the pain loving you caused my heart. I’ve released you. I’ve forgiven you. I no longer identify myself as yours. I no longer carry the burden of a failed marriage. I’m grateful for the chance to love you because I discovered a new part of myself being without you. A part of myself that no longer needs to hide. Being with you helped me find strength I never knew existed. Loving you destroyed me and through that destruction, I blossomed into the woman I was designed to be. You helped me see that self acceptance is the only way any of us can truly be
Goodbye, love. I hope you find the freedom that you gave me one day.